Love and Loss

This post is going to be RAW as those are the emotions I feel now. If you can't handle reading about miscarriage then don't read any further. Normally, I know it is foolish to put your emotions out there when you know the grieving process is just beginning, but in writing I find strength. Though my eyes are a little blinded by tears; my voice will not be shaky on the page.

Last week I found out I was pregnant with a third child. We were shocked. We were so careful. I feel like I can hardly take care of the two I have right now and myself, so how would I take care of another child? Plus, my children and I have so many needs. Sometimes I wish I could have the cares of the average Mom (or the Mom I picture in my head). Instead, there are so many times I have almost burst into tears in the grocery store. The pressure is suffocating. I feel trapped in a prison, because my children seem to react to most everything that goes into their mouths. I feel like I have to have their diets perfect, because so so so much I want them to be healthy and well.  I am like the woman who just wants to get a piece of that cloak; I would do anything just to touch a piece of that cloak. Even the ice cream truck makes me sad. All the little joys of childhood are now tainted, because now I know the truth.  With so little that I and my children can eat, I get hungry for heaven. I get hungry for a safe place. I get hungry for the place where the lamb will not be afraid of the wolf, where the lion will eat straw, where babies will put their hands on the snake's nest and no harm will come to them.

A third baby brought excitement but deep solemnity. All our finances get poured into health, because I know that if you don't have your health, aside from God, you have nothing. I never want to become a burden.  I chose not to tell family for several reasons, one being that I did not want to worry anyone. I have a very, very hard time with my health after the deliveries.  Also, I nursed my son round the clock every one or two hours for an entire year, because in my heart I knew it was the best chance for him to thrive, ignoring the looks of disgust from others from doing so. The LORD gave me a deep strength through that and a joyous bond with my son that no one can ever take away from me. To bring another baby into the world with all of these struggles though would make me feel guilty. It takes three-four years for a mother to build back her nutrient stores from pregnancy. The baby's heart is often formed before the mother even knows that she is pregnant. I am so passionate about children being well-nourished.  We live in a society that thinks Cheerios will do it, and there is nothing further from the truth. There were just so many emotions! I had planned to really focus in on my daughter with attention and homeschooling, because my son's needs were higher for a long time. I had also planned to get us all on the same page with something called the Gaps Intro Diet and really work on healing my babies' bellies, and that in itself is a full-time job.

Still, of course I would welcome a new baby in a heartbeat.  And I began to think of names. And take delight in the idea of a family of 5. 

The LORD gives, and the LORD takes away. Blessed be the name  of the LORD. Why am I choosing to write when I am smack dab in the middle of a miscarriage? Because this is my opportunity to have my say. Because I try to keep an open mind and respect others, all the while being disrespected myself and thought of as crazy.  I am one of those "stubborn" people who doesn't go to the doctor. One of those people who is learning to make her own cleaners and beauty products, products that couldn't possibly work as well as the chemicals.  I am one of those "careless"  people who doesn't vaccinate her children. I am to be feared, because I am the enemy. No matter my circumstances, no matter all that I have researched, all the voices of suffering I have listened to, all that I have learned, not only am I putting my children in danger, I am putting YOUR children and the rest of society in danger. I am depriving my own children of opportunities when I homeschool. They will be sheltered and unsocialized.  I don't go for the drugs, but I research and research and research the amazing properties of plants and herbs and nutrition to try and build up, instead of tear down. I am arrogant, because I think I could possibly have any answers for the babies that I put down to sleep every night instead of letting the doctor decide our fate in every circumstance.  I am the witch doctor. This is my opportunity to shout in my isolation, because right now my anger won't let me worry about being offensive, and I seldom feel that luxury. Be careful who you treat as lepers, as uneducated, as irresponsible. Be careful who you leave out in the cold, because you may never know the warmth that lights their souls.

Because yet again, the medical system has reaffirmed the path that I, in my "eccentricity", have been walking. When there is a woman who walks into an office while she is having a miscarriage for an appointment that was scheduled a couple days earlier by an ER doctor (Was told to go to the ER, and spent five hours there with two children, because no other doctors could take her that she called that day as well)....And that woman is told that the doctor is not accepting any new patients and the 10:00 am scheduling must have been some mistake, what do you expect her to do?

Because honey, it forsakes all "modern wisdom" to pick your emotionally frail self up and boldly walk right out that door, and know that you are going to be okay. You got confirmation earlier it was NOT a potentially life-threatening  ectopic pregnancy , and you know your body and you've been through this before, even though this is your first miscarriage. And you know that if someone came to you with a miscarriage, you would reach out a hand of compassion to them and nurture them with love. And if they can't offer that to you, then it is their loss. They have lost far more than you just have.  Once again, the doctor was not in for you. This is nothing new for you.

Your body could not sustain a baby, and that will make you sad and you will see families of five and tears will well up in your eyes for a little while. But you know you have been through so much, and that you are so blessed, because there are women who would do anything just to be able to bear children at all, and you have two who just this morning were picking flowers and making soup out of dirt reminding you of the joys of motherhood that might never have been but are here in this moment for you to cherish.  This is not a tragedy. The little spirit that was brewing is with God in the place where women who have suffered silently in desperate want will hold babies forever that were tragically unwanted. Everything will be restored.  There will be grief, but there is a deep peace in knowing  the timing was not right.

 Your body could not sustain a baby, but your body has its own rhythm and you have learned to listen to it. The signs were there all along. You knew that when you were nesting that is what mothers naturally do at the end of a pregnancy. You know your body is in a state of cleansing. You are not hungry. It is all natural for the time and good. You don't need a blood test to tell you if the pregnancy is still progressing; you have the confirmation you need. You will research again and find natural ways to help your body with the process and learn the beauty in letting go. You are on your own again, but you know your gain is strength and wisdom.  There is a Divine Healer who is always in-His Name is Love. He doesn't question the path you walk; He is the path.


Update: I wrote this right after coming back from the doctor after I had miscarried by myself at home. If this post angers you, know that I believe doctors are needed, that there are many sacrificing, wonderful doctors who deserve much more credit than they have been given. The doctor and nurses I saw in the ER were wonderful.  But I will not apologize for being angered at the system, at the financial greed behind the system, a system that bandages the eyes and ties the hands and feet of laboring mothers who were meant to be amazed at the strength and wonder of the individual human body, not afraid of it and left powerless.