Early Miscarriage

I have always known that miscarriage caused deep suffering for the mother. I also always knew that I never wanted to have that experience, but I wanted to be able to understand what to say to a mother who had the experience. The first time I saw the suffering caused by miscarriage I was in high school. I shudder to think how insensitive I was then during this woman's experience, because I truly had no way to grasp what had happened. I just pretended like things were the same when I saw her, never fully understanding how selfish that actually was.

So now, here I am experiencing my own time to grieve. I am very grateful for so many things. It was a very, very early miscarriage. The further along the pregnancy, the harder it would be. It would be harder both emotionally and physically for me, and this is hard enough. I went through pain, but I did not have to go through intense contractions that a woman further along experiences and know that intense pain and intense joy would never have the chance to meet on earth.  I also am so thankful that this is my first experience with miscarriage. I have two children. My tears are for a third baby-for the hopes that were planted-for the sense of loss; I do not have to have tears entwined wondering if I will ever be able to know the joy of children. I have no right to complain. I am blessed beyond measure.

I know that all animals mourn loss as well; there is no shame in grieving. The hardest part of this is how surreal it has been, almost like a figment of my imagination. How just a couple weeks ago, I was shocked to find that what we were trying to avoid and had no intention of because we are not in the place to take care of another baby became implanted in my body, heart, and mind. How easy it was to wonder from that very moment if he were he or she were she. From day one, the search for a name began. And just as quickly as thoughts soared, waves crashed. The baby lost was not given the chance to form, so what does that mean? Was the cluster of forming cells and tissue just cells or will I have a baby to hold in heaven someday? This is what's hard for me to process right now. I never would want the pain of miscarrying a baby that looked like an actual baby, but at the same time I never saw a baby but have a deep sense of loss for a baby.

So the only way I could reconcile this was in a  sort-of poem. Because when Monday comes I will not be able to sit in bed and eat gluten-free brownies and coconut milk ice cream (the closest I get to being bad, because even those things make me feel sick-lol) and cry and have my husband play my part for the weekend. When Monday comes, I will purpose in my heart to look for joy and take care of the two that I DO have, who need a mother who lets them be joyful. That's the beauty of babes and small children; they see joy everywhere adults have forgotten it exists.

 

Lacking Nothing

 

If I let you go,

If I move on,

It's not because I don't love you,

Or that you aren't desperately wanted.

It's because I would never name a child of mine DISAPPOINTMENT.

I name you PURPOSE,
And let you rest peacefully with God,

Counting you as my joy.

 

 

James 1: 2-5

 

Consider it PURE JOY, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all WITHOUT FINDING FAULT, and it will be given to you.