Another year is about to begin and this will not be a post about New Year's resolutions. This is a time to walk day by day, sometimes hour by hour, minute by minute. We are surviving the days and the last thing I need is another "to do." I surprisingly have some peace at the moment knowing that the LORD will reveal what needs to be done as I walk one step at a time. Being in over your head can be a blessing at times, because you start to understand that you can't map out the future. All you can do sometimes is brace yourself as life unfolds and ask that God be mindful of your hopes and pleas. If there is one thing I won't do right now, it is give up hope. My faith is often small as a mustard seed, but if I let go of that mustard seed then what will I have? I will have children without a mother who needs them. And that is not an option. My love runs too deep for that. My Savior's love runs so deep for me.
The past few (or several) years have been a time of
wondering where God is. For at least four
years I couldn't open up my Bible at all. I couldn't speak at all to God,
because my cries just seemed to echo in an empty space. I had been blindsided
in a relationship (before my marriage) ravaged by a sexual addiction. My whole
world turned upside down when I had done everything so "right" only
to have things go so "wrong." This brought to question many things.
Where was God and why wouldn't He bring me any comfort when I sought Him
through His word, when I cried out to Him, when I had journaled after reading
the book of Hosea for a year telling God that I wanted to be satisfied just in
Him alone and hadn't entered into the relationship lightly. Where was God when
"my heart was uprooted-thrown somewhere into a desert with no place to
find refuge"? Where was God when the best option for me at the time was to
run from the wolves? And why were the wolves the ones who were supposed to be
so godly? When we follow God and seek
Him, He owes us blessing. Or does He?
Don't get me wrong. The pain of being lied to and deceived
was sharp and intense. But that wasn't the pain that turned into agony. The
agony where I could find no rest and no safe place was when my grief was met
with judgment. And the judgment came from God's church. I could go into details
to try and justify myself, so people would understand the circumstances leading
up to my exasperation. Truthfully, the things that were said to me were so far
off of from what God would want me to hear in my pain. In many ways I want
others to understand the reasons I just couldn't take it anymore and stopped
going to church, stopped reading my Bible, was left with so much anger, etc,
but why bother. It makes me tired, and now I know that it is okay to hold those
people responsible for the things that were said and not blame myself, and I
also know that in their hearts where Christ dwells, they do not wish pain for
me and never did. God has forgiven them, as He has forgiven my many sins. And
one amazing thing I have realized is that Christ commands us to forgive when we
have been wounded not only because we have been forgiven so we should in return
forgive others, but because He wants us to be free. And how can we be free if
we can't let go of hurt and pain. A good God doesn't want to see His children
hurting and bitter. He wants to bring us a harvest, not let us shrivel and
wither under that tiny plant.
Still, the many questions have impacted my little
31-year-old life greatly. Much energy has been spent wondering if God really
cares and why His church is such a mess.
The church is supposed to be a reflection of Christ's love to a suffering
world, and I can't see that right now. I can't see it. And I can't understand
why I was always told growing up that people should want what we have-they
should see Christ in our lives and long for it in theirs too. But who wants to
flock to a place where there seems to be so much judgment? And how loving is
the church really? Shouldn't the church be a safe place in a dangerous world?
Isn't the church the place where widows and orphans are taken care of? How much
is that happening really??? Really???
God, why do the people who seem to love you the most get kicked around so much?
And with those questions, it has been easier to keep a
distance from God and church. There are the times here and there where I try.
But when I go to church on Mother's Day and hear a sermon where the topic comes
up that mothers really should be home with their children, I go home a little
more discouraged than encouraged in the LORD. Nevermind that yes, I agree that
mothers should be home with the babies they carried for 9 months and think it
is just horrible when that can't happen, but at the time I was working because
I have an illness and my daughter had and still has multiple food allergies and
working alongside my husband helped us manage those expensive needs so I could
take care of her and my husband and myself and not depend so heavily on my
parents who have already sacrificed so much for me. Most mothers don't want to
be away from their children, so do we really need to hear things like this in
the Sunday sermon, let alone Mother's Day? Go do this and this and you're not
doing this and this and by the way, Happy Mother's Day-Jesus loves you. And the examples of this type of thing
in church after church go on and on.
So as you can see, I still have a lot of things to sort out.
But in the past 6? months I have seen some interesting things coming to pass. I
have seen that I am not alone in these feelings. I am not alone in the anguish
of betrayal. I am not alone in enduring spiritual abuse. And some of the people who have engaged in
these ways are being called to account. It is rare to see this happen on earth.
It makes me more aware that if it doesn't happen on earth-not to be deceived-it
will happen before God and He will set all things straight. He will show
Himself to be a loving God who hates pain, sickness, and disease and loves
widows, the weak, the suffering, the orphaned, the sinner who knows his need of
Him.
And despite all my questions an image keeps popping into my head. There was
a day recently when a male driver was behind me riding my tail. And boy did it
make me mad. And although at one point many people put me on a pedestal as
being so good and nice to a fault , boy has the bitter hurt I've experienced
changed me. And Mama Bear came out as she often can. It's funny how fury can
make you feel the power of a grizzly and cloud your mind as to how powerful
you really are. And a slew of swearing
circled out of my mouth like a car spinning on black ice. And the last thing
out of my mouth when I pulled off of the road to let that son-of-a.... go in front of me was not directed at him
anymore. It was directed at God. "Oh come on!" I said to Him.
"I've got kids in the car!" And then there was that gentle prodding
in my Spirit from my conscience spoken
by God. "Yes, Bethany. You've got kids in the car. Watch your
mouth."
And I think I chose to write about this, because I see a new
lesson unfolding for a New Year and all the years God chooses for me. And it's
not a lesson that is saying take your new resolution and run with it and then
feel guilty when you are left flat on your face and it has steamrolled over you.
It's a lesson that is saying, "Bethany, I'm with you and we are on a
journey together. And I want you to let me walk with you. And who knows better
than me what it is to be betrayed? "My God, my God, why have you forsaken
Me?" Who has endured the greatest wounds? Who, ironically, suffered from
"spiritual" abuse? Did you or did you not betray me and have I not
forgiven and hurled those offenses and wounds into the deepest ocean ?"
And ready or not I will walk undeservedly into
a New Year with LOVE, a God that promises to be with me and keep me and change
me, the author of my faith, finding a way in the desert to nurture that mustard
seed.
